Category: feels

Post 81: In Hot Pursuit of Happiness

feels, growth, jobs

Why do we do things that don’t make us happy?

I’ve definitely boarded the Marie Kondo train here, but hear me out; why do we do things that don’t bring us joy, and often even make us unhappy? I don’t just mean the petty annoyances like a particularly long commute or coworkers who talk too loud around us, everyone has those sometimes. I’m talking about profoundly miserable I-wake-up-in-dread-because-I-hate-what-I-do unhappiness.

I know that I, for one, justify having a job I vehemently dislike with phrases like “the job security is nice” and “well the pay isn’t bad” but, here’s the thing: that rationale doesn’t stand up against thorough logical examination. Between the fact that there is no such thing as job security in the current climate of at-will employment and the reality that most pay increases are gained via the so-called “disloyalty bonus”; the truth is that staying doesn’t serve my career. Plus, if I spend all of the time when I’m not working complaining or stressing about work, I’m unhappy all the time, not just during business hours —my quality of life is impacted. The time off that the job I hate affords me is tainted by it. Staying in a position I hate is counterproductive!

Now I know this is a relatively new concept. Popular advice has not kept up with common practice, and every baby boomer who has never considered switching jobs will tell you that young people “want too much” out of a career. What gives?

My guess is that fulfillment and satisfaction on the job were simply not objectives for older generations in the workforce. They don’t care about the work they do, they don’t need to, they just want to put in their time and eventually retire. As the retirement episode of the fantastic and painfully relatable Bad With Money podcast so succinctly points out: the retirement model is based on the premise that you want to escape from your awful day job as soon as you can feasibly afford to leave! Work is the thing people do to make money so that eventually they won’t have to work. That seems pretty backwards to me.

I save for retirement because….well I dunno, that’s just what people do, right?

I also save because I’m scared. I need the safety net. Growing up with unreliable financial security has made me overly cautious when it comes to risking my financial stability. Funny how no one talks about the way your parents’ financial situation will impact your mindset for the rest of your life. We all learn how to handle money by watching our parents, and financial health is just as easily inherited from them as our eating habits. And, just like with our nutrition, unless we take the initiative to become financially literate and learn better habits, we will continue the cycle of being unhealthy.

If you’re like me, you had a moment of realization when your dad said “no one ever taught me how to manage money”  because—same— who else would have taught me? But here’s the thing, I learned. I taught myself. Because ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to your credit score. Ignoring your bank account as if it’s a pot of water like the idiom says…won’t raise the balance any more than it will speed up the time it takes for water to boil. I used to do that, I would know. Wilful ignorance does nothing but harm your financial health in the long run!

I will now take this opportunity to viciously attack a pervasive misconception, so listen up. Ahem.

Checking your credit report or score DOES NOT have ANY effect on your number. I’ll say it louder for the people in the back, just in case they didn’t catch that the first time: CHECKING. YOUR. OWN. CREDIT. SCORE. WILL. NEVER. LOWER. IT!!

Just think about it for a second, it makes absolutely no sense to penalize someone for inquiring about their own finances. You have every right to know that, and all of the credit reporting bureaus are required to provide you your own full credit report for free once a year, so just ask! You have no excuse not to know what is on your credit report (not to mention it will help you catch/prevent identity theft and fraud). And in case you just want that number, here are 8 places to get your FICO credit score for free; which goes without saying that most credit card companies will provide their customers with free monthly credit score information as well.

End of PSA.

Knowing how your creditworthiness is evaluated and what that value is are the first steps towards developing better financial health, they are your diagnosis. The next step is harder— and less free. A ‘financial health treatment plan’ involves figuring out where your money is going so you can improve your spending habits. A hard look at your finances can be rough, and leave you feeling overwhelmed and poor AF. But, examining your behaviors and hangups with money is imperative to retraining yourself to have a more responsible mindset.

And yeah, it definitely sucks, y’all. I have some pretty heavy baggage when it comes to money. My feelings are ugly and deeply rooted in fear, shame, and guilt. I’m not the only one, of course; mental health is inextricably linked to financial security, that’s why there is such a thing as financial therapists. And yeah, it’s hard to let go of a job that is making me unhappy when it’s providing a safety net that I obsessively cling to. I always have a backup plan, an exit strategy. I am so paranoid about the worst happening that I sometimes forget to enjoy the best parts of the present. I feel a need to be self-supporting, it is integral to my self-representation, and the thought of losing that freedom and being forced to be wholly dependent on someone else completely terrifies me. Because it’s vulnerable, it’s dangerous, and there’s a risk of getting hurt by the people I lean on. But total self-reliance creates a lot of pressure not to fail. It can prevent you from taking risks on your passions because you’re always worried about the worst case scenario. It’s easy to feel like you have to go it alone, but that mindset is a trap— don’t fall into it.

I repeatedly have to remind myself that I have tons of support and encouragement from my chosen tribe of humans, all I have to do is ask for help when I need it. Not to mention the pleasure I derive from the accomplishments of people that I care for. There’s even a term for the happiness I experience from the success of others; it is मुदिता (mudita) in Sanskrit, and one of the four brahma-vihāra (sublime spiritual states) in Theravada Buddhism. The approximate English translation is empathetic or vicarious joy, an emotion that is felt unselfishly, without jealousy or begrudgery. The pure happiness felt in sharing the joy of others feels to me like succumbing to contagious laughter among close friends. I can’t help but be happy for them, and with them. They likewise cheer me on when I seek my own happiness, and advocate for me when I forget to do so. I find joy in seeing those I love happy, and they remind me to pursue my own satisfaction. I’m incredibly blessed to have my own community of awesome motivators and champions and associates and mentors who are invested in my success, I just forget that I deserve to pursue my happiness sometimes; I think we all do. So if you’re unhappy right now, I’m here for you —I’m here with you— and most importantly, I’m here to say:

You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.

Also, go check your credit score. Right now. Seriously.

Post 80: Hurry Up and Wait

burnout, creativity, feels, jobs

Part of the process of improvement can sometimes, paradoxically, be a period of no progress.

There are moments in life when the best thing you can do is…nothing.

Maybe you put your career on hold because of an unexpected family emergency (or brand new family member, I get it, childcare is crazy expensive). Maybe you took a break from school to focus on your mental health. Maybe you stepped away from an emotionally exhausting friendship to relearn empathy. And recharging from a draining stretch at work can be essential to avoiding the very legitimate threat of burnout which has been shown in studies to impact productivity and creativity.

Taking a moment to step back, stand still, and evaluate movement towards your goals can also be vital to maintaining motivation and adjusting your strategies as needed.

Western, and particularly American culture can definitely demonize people who actually take breaks when they need them because “you just have to try harder” and I think that is a w i d e  l o a d of utter bullshit. We are all workaholics. We were taught that the road to success is traveled by gritting your teeth and hiking more miles than you thought you could, on tired, sore feet. The learned tactic is just put your head down and #PowerThroughIt. Everyone loves to show how “on the grind” they are… even as it’s grinding away their passion, energy, and human dignity. And the worst part? It’s a lie. Meritocracy is a fallacy and the system is rigged. If I had a dollar for every “self-made” millionaire who actually inherited their fortune (along with the privilege of being ignorant enough to truly believe they made their own way), I would be well on my way to being as wealthy as they are.

Because the hard truth is: working harder is not always the answer— or even an option. The American Dream is a powerful narrative, but people old enough to remember living through any number of recent crises know that it is fake. Owning a house is a poor measure of success when the cost of housing has so far exceeded the rate of wage increases in the last decade. We are, of course, bound to fail —the bar has been set impossibly high. Our grandparents —and maybe even our parents– had far fewer hurdles, and often times subsidized help, yet we are somehow expected to easily achieve the same level of success? Lazy is the last word I would use to describe my age group, and yet we are looked down upon because we have inherited a rigged game that we are expected to play and somehow win. We should try instead to focus on pursuing fulfillment, rather than someone else’s definition of victory.

Now, I can tell you firsthand that when you’re desperate for change, the quiet torture of pausing can be quite maddening. Rest can feel more draining than work when you’re anxious to make progress. Waiting is stressful! But frankly, patience is a vital skill that we could probably all benefit from attempting more often. I’m not saying it’s an easy undertaking. Some days I feel like a zen master; others, a bored and inattentive 8-year-old. Patience requires practice, like any other character trait worth having.

So take a moment, stop and catch your breath. Maybe just spend a day “buffering”  if you can, and remind yourself why you bother in the first place. Good things will come to those who wait.

Post 77: When Nothing Goes Right, Go Left

feels, jobs

Have you ever noticed that no one likes to talk about their struggles in the present tense?

We all like to wax poetic reflecting on the great adversity we have conquered in our lives…..after the fact. When said adversity is a skeleton in the grave, we seem so wise and experienced looking back on harder times. But no one ever talks about the current and bloody battles they face. Not unless they are joking about how “sooo broke” they are at brunch. People don’t really share their immediate insecurities about their rocky relationship. No one talks about the acute anxiety of waiting to hear back about those important lab results.
And who admits that they have to move unexpectedly because they didn’t get the job and all their freelance work dried up?

Me, I guess.
Hello everyone, my name is Elizabeth Blake and I am a failure.

Okay, maybe that’s a bit melodramatic but still. I am currently the definition of a Hot Mess™ and it sucks. As my kind and supportive big sister so insightfully put it: “your life isn’t actually over, you’re just in your twenties. Everything feels like the end of the world because you don’t have the life experience yet to know that it’s not.” And I bet she’s right, She’s pretty smart, after all. But wow, no one tells you how bad it feels to be forced to admit failure when you went on about how you were going to make it on your own. My pride still smarts from that humbling moment.

“I was wrong” is such a powerful and painful realization but it was so necessary. I’ve had to reevaluate my choices. Be vulnerable and ask for help. Change my trajectory.
Like that pun I saw on a shirt years ago says: when nothing goes right, go left.
If none of the doors you try are unlocked, change tactics; start looking for the keys!
For me, as paradoxical as it seems, admitting defeat was my first step away from a catastrophic meltdown.

So my job gamble didn’t work. I lost some money and gained some insight. Call the experience a life tax. Mistakes always cost something, that’s what we learn from, that’s what reminds us of them down the road. The shame is the proof that I am smarter now, I know better. And after all the tears and angst, at the end of the day, I know that admitting I was drowning and grabbing onto the life preserver was the right call.
It’s time to climb aboard and adjust course. But first I’ve gotta go pack.
Here’s to looking left, mates.