Why do we do things that don’t make us happy?
I’ve definitely boarded the Marie Kondo train here, but hear me out; why do we do things that don’t bring us joy, and often even make us unhappy? I don’t just mean the petty annoyances like a particularly long commute or coworkers who talk too loud around us, everyone has those sometimes. I’m talking about profoundly miserable I-wake-up-in-dread-because-I-hate-what-I-do unhappiness.
I know that I, for one, justify having a job I vehemently dislike with phrases like “the job security is nice” and “well the pay isn’t bad” but, here’s the thing: that rationale doesn’t stand up against thorough logical examination. Between the fact that there is no such thing as job security in the current climate of at-will employment and the reality that most pay increases are gained via the so-called “disloyalty bonus”; the truth is that staying doesn’t serve my career. Plus, if I spend all of the time when I’m not working complaining or stressing about work, I’m unhappy all the time, not just during business hours —my quality of life is impacted. The time off that the job I hate affords me is tainted by it. Staying in a position I hate is counterproductive!
Now I know this is a relatively new concept. Popular advice has not kept up with common practice, and every baby boomer who has never considered switching jobs will tell you that young people “want too much” out of a career. What gives?
My guess is that fulfillment and satisfaction on the job were simply not objectives for older generations in the workforce. They don’t care about the work they do, they don’t need to, they just want to put in their time and eventually retire. As the retirement episode of the fantastic and painfully relatable Bad With Money podcast so succinctly points out: the retirement model is based on the premise that you want to escape from your awful day job as soon as you can feasibly afford to leave! Work is the thing people do to make money so that eventually they won’t have to work. That seems pretty backwards to me.
I save for retirement because….well I dunno, that’s just what people do, right?
I also save because I’m scared. I need the safety net. Growing up with unreliable financial security has made me overly cautious when it comes to risking my financial stability. Funny how no one talks about the way your parents’ financial situation will impact your mindset for the rest of your life. We all learn how to handle money by watching our parents, and financial health is just as easily inherited from them as our eating habits. And, just like with our nutrition, unless we take the initiative to become financially literate and learn better habits, we will continue the cycle of being unhealthy.
If you’re like me, you had a moment of realization when your dad said “no one ever taught me how to manage money” because—same— who else would have taught me? But here’s the thing, I learned. I taught myself. Because ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to your credit score. Ignoring your bank account as if it’s a pot of water like the idiom says…won’t raise the balance any more than it will speed up the time it takes for water to boil. I used to do that, I would know. Wilful ignorance does nothing but harm your financial health in the long run!
I will now take this opportunity to viciously attack a pervasive misconception, so listen up. Ahem.
Checking your credit report or score DOES NOT have ANY effect on your number. I’ll say it louder for the people in the back, just in case they didn’t catch that the first time: CHECKING. YOUR. OWN. CREDIT. SCORE. WILL. NEVER. LOWER. IT!!
Just think about it for a second, it makes absolutely no sense to penalize someone for inquiring about their own finances. You have every right to know that, and all of the credit reporting bureaus are required to provide you your own full credit report for free once a year, so just ask! You have no excuse not to know what is on your credit report (not to mention it will help you catch/prevent identity theft and fraud). And in case you just want that number, here are 8 places to get your FICO credit score for free; which goes without saying that most credit card companies will provide their customers with free monthly credit score information as well.
End of PSA.
Knowing how your creditworthiness is evaluated and what that value is are the first steps towards developing better financial health, they are your diagnosis. The next step is harder— and less free. A ‘financial health treatment plan’ involves figuring out where your money is going so you can improve your spending habits. A hard look at your finances can be rough, and leave you feeling overwhelmed and poor AF. But, examining your behaviors and hangups with money is imperative to retraining yourself to have a more responsible mindset.
And yeah, it definitely sucks, y’all. I have some pretty heavy baggage when it comes to money. My feelings are ugly and deeply rooted in fear, shame, and guilt. I’m not the only one, of course; mental health is inextricably linked to financial security, that’s why there is such a thing as financial therapists. And yeah, it’s hard to let go of a job that is making me unhappy when it’s providing a safety net that I obsessively cling to. I always have a backup plan, an exit strategy. I am so paranoid about the worst happening that I sometimes forget to enjoy the best parts of the present. I feel a need to be self-supporting, it is integral to my self-representation, and the thought of losing that freedom and being forced to be wholly dependent on someone else completely terrifies me. Because it’s vulnerable, it’s dangerous, and there’s a risk of getting hurt by the people I lean on. But total self-reliance creates a lot of pressure not to fail. It can prevent you from taking risks on your passions because you’re always worried about the worst case scenario. It’s easy to feel like you have to go it alone, but that mindset is a trap— don’t fall into it.
I repeatedly have to remind myself that I have tons of support and encouragement from my chosen tribe of humans, all I have to do is ask for help when I need it. Not to mention the pleasure I derive from the accomplishments of people that I care for. There’s even a term for the happiness I experience from the success of others; it is मुदिता (mudita) in Sanskrit, and one of the four brahma-vihāra (sublime spiritual states) in Theravada Buddhism. The approximate English translation is empathetic or vicarious joy, an emotion that is felt unselfishly, without jealousy or begrudgery. The pure happiness felt in sharing the joy of others feels to me like succumbing to contagious laughter among close friends. I can’t help but be happy for them, and with them. They likewise cheer me on when I seek my own happiness, and advocate for me when I forget to do so. I find joy in seeing those I love happy, and they remind me to pursue my own satisfaction. I’m incredibly blessed to have my own community of awesome motivators and champions and associates and mentors who are invested in my success, I just forget that I deserve to pursue my happiness sometimes; I think we all do. So if you’re unhappy right now, I’m here for you —I’m here with you— and most importantly, I’m here to say:
You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.
Also, go check your credit score. Right now. Seriously.
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