Tag: growth

Post 81: In Hot Pursuit of Happiness

feels, growth, jobs

Why do we do things that don’t make us happy?

I’ve definitely boarded the Marie Kondo train here, but hear me out; why do we do things that don’t bring us joy, and often even make us unhappy? I don’t just mean the petty annoyances like a particularly long commute or coworkers who talk too loud around us, everyone has those sometimes. I’m talking about profoundly miserable I-wake-up-in-dread-because-I-hate-what-I-do unhappiness.

I know that I, for one, justify having a job I vehemently dislike with phrases like “the job security is nice” and “well the pay isn’t bad” but, here’s the thing: that rationale doesn’t stand up against thorough logical examination. Between the fact that there is no such thing as job security in the current climate of at-will employment and the reality that most pay increases are gained via the so-called “disloyalty bonus”; the truth is that staying doesn’t serve my career. Plus, if I spend all of the time when I’m not working complaining or stressing about work, I’m unhappy all the time, not just during business hours —my quality of life is impacted. The time off that the job I hate affords me is tainted by it. Staying in a position I hate is counterproductive!

Now I know this is a relatively new concept. Popular advice has not kept up with common practice, and every baby boomer who has never considered switching jobs will tell you that young people “want too much” out of a career. What gives?

My guess is that fulfillment and satisfaction on the job were simply not objectives for older generations in the workforce. They don’t care about the work they do, they don’t need to, they just want to put in their time and eventually retire. As the retirement episode of the fantastic and painfully relatable Bad With Money podcast so succinctly points out: the retirement model is based on the premise that you want to escape from your awful day job as soon as you can feasibly afford to leave! Work is the thing people do to make money so that eventually they won’t have to work. That seems pretty backwards to me.

I save for retirement because….well I dunno, that’s just what people do, right?

I also save because I’m scared. I need the safety net. Growing up with unreliable financial security has made me overly cautious when it comes to risking my financial stability. Funny how no one talks about the way your parents’ financial situation will impact your mindset for the rest of your life. We all learn how to handle money by watching our parents, and financial health is just as easily inherited from them as our eating habits. And, just like with our nutrition, unless we take the initiative to become financially literate and learn better habits, we will continue the cycle of being unhealthy.

If you’re like me, you had a moment of realization when your dad said “no one ever taught me how to manage money”  because—same— who else would have taught me? But here’s the thing, I learned. I taught myself. Because ignorance is NOT bliss when it comes to your credit score. Ignoring your bank account as if it’s a pot of water like the idiom says…won’t raise the balance any more than it will speed up the time it takes for water to boil. I used to do that, I would know. Wilful ignorance does nothing but harm your financial health in the long run!

I will now take this opportunity to viciously attack a pervasive misconception, so listen up. Ahem.

Checking your credit report or score DOES NOT have ANY effect on your number. I’ll say it louder for the people in the back, just in case they didn’t catch that the first time: CHECKING. YOUR. OWN. CREDIT. SCORE. WILL. NEVER. LOWER. IT!!

Just think about it for a second, it makes absolutely no sense to penalize someone for inquiring about their own finances. You have every right to know that, and all of the credit reporting bureaus are required to provide you your own full credit report for free once a year, so just ask! You have no excuse not to know what is on your credit report (not to mention it will help you catch/prevent identity theft and fraud). And in case you just want that number, here are 8 places to get your FICO credit score for free; which goes without saying that most credit card companies will provide their customers with free monthly credit score information as well.

End of PSA.

Knowing how your creditworthiness is evaluated and what that value is are the first steps towards developing better financial health, they are your diagnosis. The next step is harder— and less free. A ‘financial health treatment plan’ involves figuring out where your money is going so you can improve your spending habits. A hard look at your finances can be rough, and leave you feeling overwhelmed and poor AF. But, examining your behaviors and hangups with money is imperative to retraining yourself to have a more responsible mindset.

And yeah, it definitely sucks, y’all. I have some pretty heavy baggage when it comes to money. My feelings are ugly and deeply rooted in fear, shame, and guilt. I’m not the only one, of course; mental health is inextricably linked to financial security, that’s why there is such a thing as financial therapists. And yeah, it’s hard to let go of a job that is making me unhappy when it’s providing a safety net that I obsessively cling to. I always have a backup plan, an exit strategy. I am so paranoid about the worst happening that I sometimes forget to enjoy the best parts of the present. I feel a need to be self-supporting, it is integral to my self-representation, and the thought of losing that freedom and being forced to be wholly dependent on someone else completely terrifies me. Because it’s vulnerable, it’s dangerous, and there’s a risk of getting hurt by the people I lean on. But total self-reliance creates a lot of pressure not to fail. It can prevent you from taking risks on your passions because you’re always worried about the worst case scenario. It’s easy to feel like you have to go it alone, but that mindset is a trap— don’t fall into it.

I repeatedly have to remind myself that I have tons of support and encouragement from my chosen tribe of humans, all I have to do is ask for help when I need it. Not to mention the pleasure I derive from the accomplishments of people that I care for. There’s even a term for the happiness I experience from the success of others; it is मुदिता (mudita) in Sanskrit, and one of the four brahma-vihāra (sublime spiritual states) in Theravada Buddhism. The approximate English translation is empathetic or vicarious joy, an emotion that is felt unselfishly, without jealousy or begrudgery. The pure happiness felt in sharing the joy of others feels to me like succumbing to contagious laughter among close friends. I can’t help but be happy for them, and with them. They likewise cheer me on when I seek my own happiness, and advocate for me when I forget to do so. I find joy in seeing those I love happy, and they remind me to pursue my own satisfaction. I’m incredibly blessed to have my own community of awesome motivators and champions and associates and mentors who are invested in my success, I just forget that I deserve to pursue my happiness sometimes; I think we all do. So if you’re unhappy right now, I’m here for you —I’m here with you— and most importantly, I’m here to say:

You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.

Also, go check your credit score. Right now. Seriously.

Post 79: Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

growth

Everyone has embarassing moments.

I know, insight of the century, right?

But it seems like we always pretend to have everything figured out, like we’ve never accidentally used the wrong soap in the dishwasher and created a bubble disaster all over the dorm communal kitchen. Oh, that was just me? Uh, move along then.
That’s my point though, we don’t own up to our embarrassments if we can help it. We cringe so hard at the memory of doing that ridiculously cheesy thing for an ex who, let’s be real, did not really earn that level of effort. We try not to think about painfully awkward things we’ve done or said; you know, the ones that pop into your head when you’re trying to fall asleep at night. We attempt to forget about those regrettable moments; there’s literally hundreds of songs about it, usually involving copious alcohol consumption (spoiler, it doesn’t work).

I think we should try leaning in to our past even if it’s embarassing. While embarassment is socially and mentally useful, we don’t have to let those mixed feelings of silliness and shame define us, or worse, keep us from doing good things in the present. Part of our story is who we used to be, and I think we can learn a lot from our former selves.

Maybe you used to be an obsessive fangirl for ~that one band~, but now you hide all their memorabilia in a box under your bed and skip those songs when they come up on shuffle. Why hide that part of your past? Just own it! It’s part of your origin story now. I, for one, am kind of jealous of the fanatics. I’ve never been that level of passionate about anything. I know a little about a lot, but I’ve never had the motivation to know everything about a single topic. I’ve never lost my shit over a season finale. I’ve never stayed up all night for an iPhone release. I’ve never memorized a set list or been overjoyed about “my team” winning a championship game. Not to imply in any way that I am somehow better than the people who have done those things, that stuff takes a lot of time, energy, and dedication. I have a few dozen causal interests but not enough dedication to call myself a fangirl of anything.
Now, there are totally still things I’ve done that I look back on with chagrin; but I don’t see the point of trying to hide them. They are ghosts, not skeletons I’ve stuffed in a closet. I have been angsty and melodramatic online. I have been wrong. I have lost arguments. I have changed my mind, and changed it again. I’ve tried out wildly different styles and personas. I stood by them at the time, so what if they aren’t “me” anymore? I have an aggressively cheerful intro video posted on a college ‘Class Of’ Facebook page somewhere. Am I going to troll back through my social media footprint to find and delete it? Nope. Because it’s a representation of who I was at the time, or more accurately, who I wanted to be. And there’s something very Zen about acknowledging what I think of as previous editions of myself, they were part of my journey to my current identity, and I am thankful for them. I am reinventing myself all the time, and that’s perfectly okay. There’s a passage from Self Reliance that I always come back to, that I think represents this idea perfectly:

“A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day.”

So you’re a different person today than you were yesterday, or last week, or ten years ago; so what? In fith grade I wore unironically pink tinted eyeglasses that I KNEW were the raddest thing ever, and bless my parents for letting me make my own choices, even when they weren’t terribly sound. I changed my stance on that particular fashion statement, thankfully. I stopped seeing things through literal rose-colored lenses… and no one really cared! That’s part of growing and growing up. I would be worried if that weren’t the case, it would mean that we have done nothing that challenged our thinking or allowed room for personal growth or development. So don’t sweat it, everyone gets redfaced once in a while. But acknowledging when you were misinformed, or young and rash, or unprofessional? That’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Post 76: I Don’t Know (Yet)

jobs

Ah, good ol’ undergrad.
We definitely tend to romanticize our time in college, don’t we?

Those four-ish years were an intense and formative time in most people’s lives so it’s no real surprise that looking back we get a little wistful. Wasn’t it just a blast, that magically carefree space between childhood and adulthood? Wishing for that back is tempting. We miss the easy friendships-of-convenience, the abundant opportunities to explore new interests, the freedom and independence, the electric excitement at the big game, even the bittersweet end of a semester. Oddly, we often simply gloss over the education part of the collegiate experience.

Learning was the whole point though, right?
Yet we almost instantly forget the fact that mastering a new skill or subject is hard work. The strenuous mental labor involved in creating new synaptic pathways fades rapidly from the fond memories of our time in school.

Learning is a chore, not a walk in the park. Anyone who has tried taking up a new language or hobby as an adult can attest to that. Beginning a new skill tree is fun at the offset but the endeavor ultimately sucks. Because beginners suck. Neophytes have to start somewhere, and it’s usually at the bottom bracket. Months of grueling mediocrity come before mastery, if mastery is even achieved at all. The sweet taste of victory is built on a foundation of willpower and repetition. We don’t get to grin from the podium before gritting our teeth through countless drills and practices.

So, while I do genuinely enjoy learning, I’d be a sucker if I expected it to be effortless.
I’m a work in progress—and that progress can be slow. The grinding pace might feel very arduous when noticeable improvement is incremental. My goals seem impossibly far away some days and I get frustrated by my personal obstacles and my mercurial motivation. I sometimes forget everyone has those awkward in-between parts. The half-way-decent athlete, the almost-eloquent political aspirant; we are all going through stages of personal growth. No one is ever really done improving. I dream of becoming my ideal self, having my dream job, effortlessly writing the perfect prose. But in the meantime, I’ll admit that I can be a half-baked human bean sometimes. I won’t always know the answers or even how to find them. But not knowing is not an excuse, it’s an opportunity to ask questions.

My quest for wisdom and expertise—to scale the mountain of mastery, is a journey I am proud to be on. I hear the view from the top is awesome.
I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way.

Post 73: Level Up

creativity, jobs

As graduation looms ever closer (11 D A Y S) I’ve been thinking more about my goals for post-grad. I have some great aspirational goals like fluency in French (25% so far!), traveling to at least one country not on this continent in the next five years, and (finally) learning to drive. I also have some financial goals like paying back my student loans as quickly as possible (very reasonable, I’m lucky to not have a ton of debt) and building myself a safety net/emergency fund (I’m about 1/3 of the way there already, yay). And finally, a somewhat cheesy personal goal: I want to finally meet my measure of adulthood, pet ownership. Yeah yeah, I know adulthood is such an objective and arbitrary standard. And what even really qualifies me to be an adult? I don’t quite know anymore, but a long-time dream of mine is to be the loving person of a French bulldog. I love dogs and I want to be a responsible owner, which means I am waiting until I have the time, money, and environment needed to make sure my dream dog will be well cared for.

The one thing all these goals have in common, besides being actually realistic, is that I am actively taking steps towards achieving them. Even if I’ve only done so by making a list of things I need to do to get closer to that goal (take passport photos, get passport, research destinations, find cheap airfare), I am always taking steps to actually accomplish the things I want to do. Because that’s the thing about goals; they’re pointless if all they become is a list of quickly forgotten New Year’s resolutions. If you have dreams, chase them! Don’t just wish for all the amazing things you want in life, work towards them. Maybe that means spending thirty minutes every day practicing conjugations, maybe that means emailing seventeen job listings every week, maybe that even means living like a college student two years into the ‘real world’ so that you can pay off your student loans in less than ten years. Then you can travel without guilt about the debts you could be paying off instead.

Honestly though, having goals isn’t some shtick so I can be better-than-thou, I do this to stay sane. I’m moving towards specific, realistic, tangible goals so that I don’t feel like I’m stagnating. I focus on my goals like milestones on the horizon. They are my point of reference that let me know I’m actually moving forward. My greatest fear is getting stuck in a rut and never getting out of it. Like that infuriating level of some video game that you can never beat and so you get trapped, unable to move on. That’s my nightmare in the game of life. A dead end job. Insurmountable debt. Failure. Those are things that keep me up at night, and straight up scare the shit out of me. So I make lists. I scratch things off and know that I’m making progress. I have my dreams to beat back the nightmares. And I follow them to outrun the fear. Don’t let your dreams slip away. Don’t let the fear win. Figure out what you want and go for it because, to quote Post 62:

“If not now, when?”