I’ve always hated it when I went to teachers or supervisors with an issue, like an underperforming coworker or project partner, and they said something like “you’ll just have to make it work.” I have a professor this semester and one of her favorite sayings is “experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.” Which, yes, sure it’s true but ERG, is it frustrating. My responsibility shouldn’t always include picking up someone else’s slack. That’s crazy unfair. And I won’t try to imply that others don’t have difficulties of their own, each person has their own struggles that play into what they can accomplish and even I have certain odds stacked against me that make what I do a particular accomplishment. I struggle every day managing my ADHD, I am currently unmedicated and it is a never ending challenge to self regulate. I come from a poor family with a single income. I work full time and pay all my own bills. But none of these stop people from depending on me. I still have obligations and responsibilities. I still do good work, sometimes better work than most.
I’ve never gotten the chance to take the easy path, so I often find myself angry at those who did and fail to realize just how easy they have it. It’s unfair, but they don’t see the inequality because they are on the side with the greener grass, that’s how privilege works. I’ve had to fight for my place in the world and because of that I am envious of the people who haven’t.
At the same time though, my path has taught me so many valuable things. Privilege breeds happy but lazy people, satisfied with how things are and will remain. They do not react well to change or challenge, and I am glad that is not me. I got a tattoo last year of a skeleton key to remind myself that I don’t have to wait for opportunity to knock, I can open my own doors. I try harder because I have to. I can’t stand to be stationary, I crave change and growth, I’m constantly seeking to learn and experience new things. I’ve heard this described as a sort of hunger and I agree. It is as basic a need as sustenance, this drive to find purpose and meaning, to better myself and the world. And maybe that means I’m never satisfied but I’ve come to realize a powerful truth: I’d rather be hungry than happy. Happy means content. But it also means idle, inert. Static is death, especially in this field. Keeping up with constantly dynamic trends is the key to powerful and successful advertising. Discovery of new, exciting things is what makes me feel alive—joyful, even—but not necessarily happy. I am blissful on a beautiful day, I am energized by a new project or idea, I am inspired by seeing my friends do amazing work, I feel like I truly matter when I improve the life or day or mood of someone else. All of these are better than just being “happy.”
I’m not happy. I don’t want to be happy. I want to be tired and proud and hungry. I need that drive to make awesome things that keep me up late at night. I need that urge to do more, do it over, do it better. It is who I am, it is all the things I hunger to be.
Good thing it’s lunch time.
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